I long to be more than what I am. I don’t want to be
ordinary; the thought of average, of normal, makes my chest burn. It instills
fear, detestation.
I always understood such an outlook to be beneficial to
myself and to Your will. I believed such feelings motivated me to be great, to
but used by You for extraordinary plans. But perhaps they are more detrimental
than I knew. Do I suppose myself to be too big for Your plans—no matter how
lowly and humble? If You willed that I live in a quiet suburb and raise
children for the entirety of my life, would I turn from my Lord’s plan out of
some sort of delusion of grandeur?
I do not want a life of suburbs and motherhood and decades of
looking forward to a quiet retirement. I do not want these goals that make
others so happy. But I am not grand. I am not special, and You do not need me.
I am not extraordinary. I do not have super powers or a special bond with you
no one else has. I am not the hero of Our story. You are the hero and I am Your
follower, so if Your plan for me is to live the plainest, quietest, most
ordinary life, than that is my role. I am Yours to use however You please,
because You do not need me. You give me a role in this story because You are
loving and merciful and kind. Maybe I’m not destined to be great; after all,
Your strength is made perfect in my weakness, so there must be less of me and
so, so much more of You.
