Life in Reality

I’ve wanted to write this entry since Christmas Day, but have not been able to find the words. I don’t think my words could ever do justice to the great things Elyon is teaching, so I am writing now, not because I believe I’ve reached some favored time to publish these thoughts, but because I do not think, no matter how long I wait, a better time will come to exist.

I am beside myself with joy these days. Traditionally, the holidays have not been my favorite time of year so I was pleasantly surprised to find my spirits soar so high as we rolled into December. A lot of people are stressed during the holiday season, and understandably so, but we also get to see incredible, if not unusual, acts of kindness and a general aura of happiness this time of year. I love that.

I think this change in attitude regarding Christmas came about for a couple of different reasons. First, a few weeks ago, I read a web comic’s comments on people who hate Christmas, and they basically boiled down to this: people who hate Christmas hate to see people who are happy. We might make an exception for those who have lived through a tragedy which the holidays could highlight, but as I have no Christmas trauma of which to speak, I was forced to ask myself if this funnyman’s claim was true of me. Since I couldn’t think of a another reason for hating the season that brought others so much joy, I was left with nothing to do but learn to enjoy it myself.

The second factor in my newfound love for the holidays cannot be pinpointed to a single moment. Rather, it has been the process of discovering Elyon’s great love for me (or at least a fraction of it) that has lead me to grow a greater fondness for others and thus yearn for their happiness. Anyone that knows me personally knows that I fall far short of loving people perfectly, but the more I learn about Elyon’s love for even those who have not accepted it, the easier it is, I find, to see past the sin that marks us all to the person He created. So I long to see my Love’s creation brimming with happiness and I also have a new appreciation for the great love behind Elyon’s incarnation.

So it was with these new understandings that I boarded a plane back to Texas on Christmas Day, and it is here that I begin telling the real, albeit the much-more-difficult-to-put-into-words purpose for this entry. You see, I’ve always had a very active imagination (this is probably a result of being home-schooled for the first years of my educated life and thus being forced to come up with ways to entertain myself as a substitute for playmates—in short, home-school made me your pretty stereotypical freak).  I have all these worlds in my mind to which I often retreat. They’re different from one another in a lot of ways, but at the core, they’re pretty much the same. The general fabric is this: I have a close, loving relationship with God, and I have a close, loving relationship with a few others who have dedicated their lives to fighting an obvious evil (I’m aware that my secret inner-nerd is now shining more brightly than ever—that’s okay). In these fictional realms, I can be exactly who I want to be without the pesky notions of sin and reality getting in my way. And there, while looking down on the Potomac, it suddenly hit me that my fantasies are such because I was created to be exactly that—a great lover of Elyon and of people, especially His people, and a warrior in the battle against evil, albeit one that is much less obvious in reality.

What’s more is the realization (I’ve always known, but with less clarity somehow) that the New Earth God has planned for me is strikingly similar to the ones I’ve dreamed up. They’re filled with a love and profound loyalty among those who share my love for Elyon. They’re filled with a love that makes people lay themselves down for the sake of others, that causes one to be elated at the fortune of their brother or sister. My words never do these sort of epiphanies justice, but I swear, I was giddy like a child. I looked like a lunatic walking through wearing such a goofy, inexplicable grin.

Elyon is all He ever promised He is, all I could ever hope He could be Even now, I realize He is so much more than I can imagine and light years beyond what I could ever deserve. Yet He loves me. He chose me, and all others, as His bride; He wooed me, and now he waits with even more excitement than I for our marriage ceremony. There is no life better than this.

I am really enjoying knowing You. Last night I was lying in bed thinking about how happy I've become with You, and out of habit I tempered back my enthusiasm. I was subconsciously preparing myself for when things ended between us, for when we would no longer be so happy together. I don’t know what that says about other relationships in my life or if others are so hesitant to be lost in what brings them happiness. I don’t think it matters. What’s significant is that I can safely fall very deeply into this contentment, this joy that we share. With You, I do not have to reign in my passion because there is no hidden thought in the back of my mind that I might lose you to will or tragedy. You are mine forever, and I will always be Yours. There is so much peace to be found in that truth.

I love You, Elyon. 

My Elyon

It’s so hard to spend time with You—like physical training or studying a difficult subject. I know I need the time with You; I know it will I’ll find myself unprepared for warfare without it. The enemy will all too easily be able to sway me that You did not really say or You did not really mean. But it is so hard to prepare.

And it’s worse than that. It’s so difficult to spend time with You—my Elyon, my love. You have freed me from the most dire of bondages, the most certain of deaths. You have saved me physically and mentally, emotionally and spiritually. With truth, You have so effectively cut the tethers of my mind. I long for love and honor and respect, yet the One who so freely gives it me is the One with whom I so struggle to spend my days.

I want to spend my days with You. I want to love with You and laugh with You and suffer with You. I want to be One with You, to be Your bride. I want a place in my heart that only You can reach. I want to be mesmerized by You and all that You are my, my greatest love. My Elyon. I want you to be the love we all long so deeply for. We long for You, and maybe You’ll give us others to love too, but first and foremost, I need You. I need You to be that love.

I am tired of just being words. I know that love is built with time. I have to give up some of my desires so that You may have that time. I know that You work in me; I would be dead without You. I would have never known You without Your persistent work in my heart. But I also know that work is required of me. What good is faith and religion without works? I must sacrifice and dedicate as I would if I were preparing for an earthly war.

I love You, Elyon. I want You. I want You to be what I’ve always longed for. I want You to be the one I feel most comfortable with and am most loyal to. I want You to be the One that is most respected and honored in my life. I want you to be my Elyon, my most high. 

I am not a Hero

I long to be more than what I am. I don’t want to be ordinary; the thought of average, of normal, makes my chest burn. It instills fear, detestation.

I always understood such an outlook to be beneficial to myself and to Your will. I believed such feelings motivated me to be great, to but used by You for extraordinary plans. But perhaps they are more detrimental than I knew. Do I suppose myself to be too big for Your plans—no matter how lowly and humble? If You willed that I live in a quiet suburb and raise children for the entirety of my life, would I turn from my Lord’s plan out of some sort of delusion of grandeur?

I do not want a life of suburbs and motherhood and decades of looking forward to a quiet retirement. I do not want these goals that make others so happy. But I am not grand. I am not special, and You do not need me. I am not extraordinary. I do not have super powers or a special bond with you no one else has. I am not the hero of Our story. You are the hero and I am Your follower, so if Your plan for me is to live the plainest, quietest, most ordinary life, than that is my role. I am Yours to use however You please, because You do not need me. You give me a role in this story because You are loving and merciful and kind. Maybe I’m not destined to be great; after all, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness, so there must be less of me and so, so much more of You.

I love You, Elyon, and I will follow You no matter the role. 

A Successful Failed Calling

God has seen it fit to bless me with a pretty incredible group of friends. There are a few in particular that have had a pretty big impact over the years (I’m debating on whether or not to tell them where to find this blog as then they would realize I actually like them, a fact I have been hiding since we met). One of these friends, Molly, recently left to study in France for a semester. I just finished college, moved to a new city, and started a new job, so Molly and I have had some shared feelings lately. I think we both feel a bit out of place. We’re missing our friends and what we knew before, and I’m pretty sure she’s pretending to know what she’s doing as much as I am (it’s okay though because we’re great actresses).

Despite a few struggles here and there, I think we’re both glad to be where we are. It’s been really fun to get to talk to each other about how God is using our circumstances to change us. Molly pursues God like few people I know, so her insights are valuable and her mindfulness of God’s work around her is stirring. It was for this reason that when I had one of the most beautiful revelations of my spiritual life, Molly was the first I told. Also, she was half-way around the world which means I had an excuse for telling her in writing rather than in person, an option I will always elect when given the choice.

But this isn't Molly’s blog. This is my blog, which means it’s about me. So the following is an excerpt from the message I sent Molly on the night of this revelation.

Molly, this week has been so unexpected and so sweet. Since I've moved.. I've been so discouraged spiritually. I don't know any Christians here, and I'm the world's worst at church hunting (I move every four years--how can I still be so bad at this?) Anyway, I started going through Ecclesiastes, which is definitely in the running for Most Depressing Book of the Bible, though I have found it to be surprisingly encouraging lately (I think I remember talking about this realization with you maybe at the beginning of last semester or the one before). So chapters 1-3, God is encouraging me some, but chiding me more than usual (and rightfully so, of course), so I'm feeling especially low.  

Then, last night, I begin reading chapter five. Now this chapter starts off something along the lines of, "Guard your step when you enter God's house". That line is enough to make me stop and really search myself for sins I need to confess prior to coming before God. And when I do, God points them out to me, and it's painful. But then it's so precious; for the first time in so long, God lets me come into His presence--You know that secret place where it's just You and God and completely otherworldly? You know me, Molly. When it comes to deep struggles, I am a person of few words, and that is true even when it comes to God. In truth, one of my most-loved attributes of God is his ability to understand me so personally without me having to fight for words to explain myself. With God, as with other close friends, I am mostly quiet; I prefer to listen or share an easy silence. But last night, in that place, it was so easy to talk to Him. It was so comfortable, and I didn't have to struggle for the best words to express myself. It didn't matter because He was there, and He knew. So we just talked in our secret place. We talked about the difficult issues and the shallow subjects, and He was there, and it was perfect. I had been asking Him to let me in that place again; I so needed that intimacy with my Love.  

Then tonight I had what may have been the grandest spiritual epiphany of my life. It's not astonishing or novel theology, and I have no idea how it took me so long to put it together. Chapter six speaks of the futility of life when there is no joy to be found in it by the possessor of that life. This is an interesting topic for me, because I have only recently learned to procure joy. The turning point was Haiti. Before Haiti, I struggled with depression often. I was lost and often without hope. Though I knew God, and we were close, I was in a perpetually dark place. During "Chelsea's Dark Ages," as I've just decided to refer to them, God called me to missions. You already know this. You also know that I went to Haiti not because I thought I'd like it, but because God told me to and I have a healthy sense of self-preservation. On the trip, I helped almost no one. I didn't lead a single person to Christ, and I came back with a nice, tropical disease that prevents me from embarking on future mission trips overseas. I keep wondering about this. Why did God spend years preparing me for missions, then send me on a trip that ended with the impossibility of further pursuing this calling? But this trip is where I found joy. In those ten very short days, God taught me to be content without regard to my circumstances. He taught me how to find joy in life. In those ten days, God taught me how to live a life that would not be futile. He called me to missions and when I followed Him, He gave me more than I ever thought I could have. Because of that trip, I can be effective in whatever He calls me to next.  

This One's not Finished

God’s been teaching me an incredible amount lately, which is especially benevolent because I have not been very good to Him these past few weeks. My failures in my relationship with God are not really the point of this entry, but I should highlight that He has been very gracious, patient, and kind to me despite my behavior. He has continued to grow me and shape me into a better person though I have not recently given Him the time I am so aware He deserves. But God does not treat me as I deserve either; He is beyond merciful to me. So without further ado, here are a couple of the lessons God has been teaching me at the rather revealing and monumental age of 22 (and the time leading up to it):

I am content.

This lesson began with my trip to Haiti and was, of course, very much shaped by Paul’s discussion of contentment in Philippians 4. The realization is simple. I am to be content because God is all I need. More than that, I am content. I am okay with whatever God throws my way because He always fights for me. He is loyal to me. He has high expectations of me, but He’s also merciful when I don’t fulfill those expectations. I need that, and I need someone I can trust and fight for. And what’s most surprising to me in this regard is that contentment leads to happiness.

Everything good is based on love.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands” (Mt. 22:37-40, HCSB). Next month, I’ll finish my college work and, since I am currently a student worker, will also need new employment. This has led to a lot of thought about what my next steps will be and what I should spend my life doing. The truth, though, is what I should really focus on is loving God and loving people. When I do these two things, I make God happy. So, I have resolved to make love my primary focus and let all else—my occupation, my residence, and the numerous minor decisions we’re all confronted with—be secondary.

In conjunction with this, I have also learned that when I am seeking God, I cannot make the wrong decision. This part was a bigger surprise to me. Whereas many of the other lessons I’ve learned recently just needed to be put into practice, this one was entirely new to me. A person who is wholly and joyously surrendered to God cannot make the wrong choice because God will bring that person to the place He has for them. Sometimes, when you don’t “feel led” in a particular direction, it is because God is giving you freedom to go either way. Sometimes He tells us what He wants, and there are many things we know we should not do, but it is a myth that God will always make His will clear to you. It’s important to seek God and not be paralyzed by indecision when He gives me freedom to make my own choice. When I love Him, and I love people, I will end up where He wants me. 

My Astounding Return

My Dashboard claims my last post was on June 12, 2009 (though it looks to me it was on 5/8, but whatever); that's exactly two years ago. I almost posted again a couple of days ago, but then I decided to wait solely so I could write the preceding sentence. The making of that decision is what led me to realize I really don't have much to say to the world (which is likely why I've never been able to keep up with a blog for more than a few weeks). In fact, not only do I not have much to say to the world (because, like most blogs, mine has a following of zero), but I have very little to say to myself as well. The truth is that I am sitting here writing now only because there is little else (a nice way of saying absolutely nothing else) to do.

I'm trying to decide whether I care about my blog being without readers. Of course, I can't blame anyone for not taking the time to read my thoughts...I don't even want to read my thoughts (or think them for that matter--do you ever wish you could just turn off your brain and allow the thoughts to cease for a while? I can't do it. Not when I'm watching TV, not when I'm sleeping...never. I'd like to believe it's a sign of intelligence but it seems to me the intelligent should be able to better control their brains. Anyway, back to the blog...) I used to have a following of around four or five. Now that it's been two years between posts I'd venture to say they're not coming back. One time I even had a stranger leave a comment about how deep my thoughts were or some other such nonsense. I wonder how he managed to stumble across it. Perhaps he did a Google search for "pathetic blogs in which the author thinks the world wants to know her thoughts on various trivial subjects."

By the way, in case you're ever taking a philosophy exam in which the professor asks the meaning of the word "trivial", the answer is "of or pertaining to the number three", not "of little importance". Of course, I still contest the docking of points from my score for choosing the "wrong" answer. Just because some highfalutin, medieval intellectual used it to refer to the number three does not mean that the other, more popular, 21st century, actually-found-in-the-dictionary definition is wrong.

And yes, I looked up "highfalutin" to make sure it was really a word.

On a completely different note, about an hour ago I was sitting on the front porch watching and listening to a pretty decent-sized storm. Now, I love storms, and I often wonder why most of the human population fails to feel the same way (I'm not talking run-for-your-life-we're-all-gonna-die type tornadoes and hurricanes; I just mean regular, blow-some-sticks-in-your-yard storms...). In fact, people dislike storms so much that they the word to describe any sort of difficult time in their lives. This makes sense--storms are tumultuous and chaotic--but I would not have chosen this analogy myself. But then I kept thinking (like I said, my brain never shuts up). What I love about storms--the intense display of God's might--can also be said of trials. Not that I like going through sucky times--I don't--but at least they allow others and myself, if we're looking, to see God's power and work.

Well, that is about the entirety of my trivial (unimportant) thoughts for the day. Maybe I'll post again soon. More than likely I won't. Regardless, thank you futuristic space Chelsea and stranger who accidentally stumbled across this blog for reading. Talk soon. Maybe. More than likely, not.


P.S.--I started to proofread but then decided it wasn't worth it. Feel free to leave insulting comments about my lack of intelligence.